I Just Don't Know

After getting home from break and having a car ride full of discussion and contemplation about the Houghton college community I was really not happy with it. Life decided to be ironic when my friend texted me and said "I got into Houghton!!!" and I had to pretty much act happy, but it was via text so I was fine. The situation was just ironic. Don't get me wrong I love Houghton, well parts of it. I love my friends and alot of the people there, the tight knit community, the ability to grow and talk about my faith easily, the real care proffessors have for you, and of course ultimate frisbee and the team, but that is another story. I am just frustrated that I had to spend nearly my entire semester creating a balanced social life for myself. It took me forever to find the right friends, avoid cliques, and establishing deepers relationships. When I do half my social life falls apart because I know so many kids going to London next semester!! It just kind of sucks. I have a community that I love in some aspects, but I can't stand in others. Houghton seems to much like high school sometimes. What with all the clicks, and people being prone to being judgemental and not accepting in most cases. Of course not everyone is, but a general vibe of judgement or conservativeness is present sometimes. I went to college that no one else from my high school was going to to get away from my high school and all its tendencies because I hated it. Now I am in a community again that contains some of those tendencies more than secular schools. This is where another dilema arises in my mind. I am used to alot of freedom. Alot of people at secluar school are more chill than Houghton. I love that kind of community. I grew up in it without the relaxed unjudgmental side. I have considered switching schools like three times now. It just sucks because Houghton is such an amazing place sometimes, and I have amazing friends. It has a great degree and missions opportunities for me. Sometimes I want to run away from Houghton and just end up in a secular school. In reality I am overthinking this a little, and Houghton is a solid place. Yet I am keeping things open at this point. I am going to see how second semester goes. For one last point or struggle is my faith. I feel like I have to stay at Houghton or else I'll just lose my faith and be a drunk and a whore. The truth is I'm not going to turn away or ditch my faith, it's too much a part of my life. Yet I want more freedom at times. Other times I feel like Houghton is perfect and I'm growing there and when I'm in that growing in my faith phase my desire to go to a secular school seems worldly. So basically to sum this up I have all these social, legistic (school costs and degrees), and religious thoughts to consider. I want to explain the faith part more, but it is always been harder for me to rationalize the deepest thoughts of my faith to someone or people. At this point I just don't know.